Couples searching for a third partner report stronger bonds but often ignore the newcomer’s desires

Couples who search for a third person to join their sexual or romantic relationships frequently focus on their own pleasure while minimizing the desires of the person they pursue. A recent qualitative analysis of people in these relationships also reveals that the search process itself often strengthens the existing couples’ bonds and communication. The findings were published in the journal Psychology & Sexuality.

In consensual non-monogamy, partners agree to have romantic or sexual encounters with other people. One increasingly visible practice involves established couples seeking a third person to join them. This third person is colloquially known as a unicorn because they are perceived as rare and highly sought after. The practice is often associated with a man and a woman looking for a bisexual woman to join them.

Polyamorous communities sometimes criticize couples who search for a third person. Critics argue these couples often prioritize their own needs and protect their established relationship hierarchy. This framework can treat the newcomer as an accessory to be used and discarded.

Engaging with a third person can provide a positive experience for everyone involved and can challenge traditional relationship norms. Direct research on couples seeking a third person has remained sparse. To better understand this dynamic, researchers led by Alena Bondarchuk-Mclaughlin at La Trobe University in Melbourne, Australia, set out to explore the perspectives of the people conducting the search.

The researchers recruited 80 participants through social media and an online survey platform. All respondents indicated they were currently or had previously been part of a couple looking for a third person. Participants answered five open-ended survey questions about who they wanted to join them, what their goals were, and how the search had affected their primary relationship.

The research team analyzed the text responses using a qualitative method. They looked for recurring patterns and grouped the answers into four main categories. These categories covered the desired characteristics of the third person, the effects on the couple, the ideal relationship dynamics, and the reality of their actual encounters.

When describing who they wanted to join them, most participants specifically sought a woman. The majority of these requests specified a bisexual woman. The desires were more varied than the typical stereotype suggests, as nearly a quarter of respondents said gender was irrelevant. Others looked for men, other couples, or specific personality traits like friendliness.

Couples overwhelmingly described the search process as having a positive impact on their relationships. Nearly 80 percent of participants reported that looking for a third person brought them closer together. They noted improvements in communication, honesty, and trust. Discussing fantasies and boundaries openly often heightened their sexual experiences as a couple.

A small minority reported that the search had a negative effect on their primary relationship. In these cases, participants noted that initiating the search coincided with disagreements, pressure, or a breach of trust. Some participants also described struggling with feelings of jealousy when confronting traditional relationship expectations.

The researchers found a major gap between the type of relationship couples wanted and what they actually experienced. A majority of participants desired a predominantly sexual relationship with the third person. They wanted to fulfill specific fantasies, experience novelty, or enhance their own shared pleasure. Many explicitly stated they wanted minimal romantic involvement.

In contrast, about 40 percent wanted an emotional connection, ranging from friendship to a loving, cohabitating relationship. Yet some responses revealed an expectation that the third person would serve mainly to fix a void or provide a service. These participants often specified that the newcomer must respect the existing couple’s priority and not disrupt their bond.

Only a small fraction of the participants mentioned the third person’s own desires or sexual pleasure as an important part of the ideal scenario. When describing their actual relationships with a third person, many couples maintained purely sexual boundaries, often sticking to one-night stands. About a quarter managed to form ongoing social or romantic relationships.

Expressions of care for the third person were rare in the actual relationship descriptions. Only 12 percent of responses mentioned prioritizing the newcomer’s feelings or treating them as an equal. The researchers noted that many couples entered the search focused heavily on their own personal gain.

Couples also frequently reported struggling to find a willing third person. Almost half of the participants described difficulties in their search. Many could not find the right match, faced a scarcity of interested people, or encountered mismatched expectations.

The researchers suggested this lack of success might stem from the couples’ failure to consider the third person’s interests. Treating the search like a request for a specialized service rather than the formation of a new interpersonal connection can easily lead to disappointment for all parties. The authors suggest that couples should express genuine care for the person they seek.

The study relies on self-reported data from a sample of 80 individuals, rather than interviewing both members of the couple. The researchers only surveyed the people doing the searching, leaving out the perspectives of the individuals being pursued. Future research will need to examine the experiences of the third person to provide a complete picture of these relationship dynamics.

The survey prompts may have influenced how participants answered the questions. For instance, the question asking who they wanted to join them included “bisexual woman” as an example, which might have prompted respondents to use that exact phrase. The survey also did not ask about the gender of the participants’ partners, which limits the ability to analyze how the gender makeup of the original couple shapes the search process.

The study, “Searching for a third: couples’ experiences of unicorn pursuit, desire, and ethical tensions,” was authored by Alena Bondarchuk-Mclaughlin, Nat Amos, and Joel R. Anderson.